How to overcome loneliness while experiencing an eating disorder
For many people with eating disorders, loneliness is a shared human experience, and we need to talk about it more.
It’s estimated that 1 in 3 Australians feel lonely and 1 in 4 experience persistent loneliness[1]. Research and lived experience insights tell us that this is an all-too common experience for people living with eating disorders.
Experiencing an eating disorder can be incredibly isolating, and while loneliness can contribute to an eating disorder developing, it can also be a symptom of the illness itself and make recovery that much harder.[2]
This means it’s critical that we explore why people with eating disorders feel lonely and spark conversations to reduce isolation and make meaningful social connections.
For Loneliness Awareness Week (5-11 August 2024), we asked our lived experience community to share how loneliness impacted them and their advice on how to overcome these feelings while living with an eating disorder and moving through recovery.
“I didn’t tell anyone I had an eating disorder for a very long time. I was so ashamed and thought people would think badly of me – something that was so far from the truth. Sharing your story, letting people know what’s going on and what you are fighting, helps to take away an eating disorder’s power. It makes the path to recovery clearer. I started by telling my GP. Then a psychologist. Then my university tutor. Little by little, the walls fell down and I started feeling stronger.” –Johanna Borger
What is the impact of loneliness when you have an eating disorder?
Research demonstrates that feeling lonely can lead to increased body dissatisfaction, weight/shape concerns and disordered eating, and it can also contribute to the development of an eating disorder and relapse[3]. Some may use food or eating disorder behaviours as a coping mechanism to manage feelings of loneliness and isolation.
On the other hand, experiencing an eating disorder can result in feelings of loneliness– these psychological illnesses thrive in isolation and secrecy. Many people may hide their eating disorder behaviours, and eating in private, avoiding meals with other people, or withdrawing from social interactions can be common signs of eating disorders.
“Eating disorders can feel like an impenetrable fortress of isolation, leaving people wrapped up in a cocoon of loneliness. Now, while some solitude can be a refreshing retreat for those who need a little “me-time” to recharge, for those grappling with the shame and self-doubt woven into the fabric of disordered eating, choosing to be alone often just reinforces feelings of worthlessness. It’s like isolating yourself in a tiny room where the echoes of negative self-talk just get louder and louder. Isolation and eating disorders are like unwelcome dance partners. Feeling alone in the world can be a painful and terrifying experience, and withdrawing from social interactions only amplifies those feelings of shame and self-loathing. It’s a vicious cycle that can drive someone deeper into disordered eating behaviors as they seek ways to cope with the overwhelming emotions.” – Asteria Grace
“While others were out enjoying themselves, I was home alone with my eating disorder. I spent countless hours on the living room floor, huddled in a ball next to the heater, endlessly scrolling through my phone. The shame I felt made it hard to talk to anyone about my struggles, making my isolation even more intense. Sharing my journey in a support group was a turning point where I felt safe enough to openly express my emotions and recognise my loneliness.” – Reece Georgas
“I felt like my eating disorder ate my life. There was a barrier between me and everyone around me because the biggest thing in my life was my illness. It felt impossible to make and maintain sincere connections because I carried a huge secret with me everywhere I went. I lost friends, opportunities, connection to my community and years of my life because of my illness. And as my world got smaller, the more of it was taken up by my eating disorder. It felt like my eating disorder was my life. It was profoundly lonely.” – Jane Murphy
“The loneliness that accompanies an eating disorder is unparalleled. It is manipulative and deceptive and heart-breaking. But most significantly, it is sly. It sneaks up on you without your cognisance. Restriction is alluring at first, a sense of companionship and promise. A feeling of being understood on a far deeper level than any human ever has and ever can. An understanding of oneself at the core. Of how one’s brain operates, of the deepest insecurities and of most paralysing fears. It provides an illusion of companionship in its misery. But soon the novelty inevitably wears off. The instant euphoria dissipates and you begin to realise that an eating disorder was not and is not a companion – friend or foe – but rather a part of yourself that you wish didn’t exist. That controls your every move, your every thought, your entire being.
It is then that you face the realities of what it has taken from you. The goals it has derailed, the dreams it has extinguished, the passion it has pillaged. It is then that you come to know what loneliness truly is; cold, bone-deep, engulfing. That those around you become fatigued and turn away, that you are left to dread and wallow in the silence and solidarity that greets you. That you know what it really is, how devastating, how dehumanising, how marginalising. True loneliness.” –Rachael Burns
“Our share-house is a picturesque cottage, built in the 1920s for Canberra’s fledgling public service. Our share-house has been the home of students since the 1970s, each tenant carving their name into the wooden shed at the bottom of the garden. The air is perfumed by golden wattle and English roses. Articles in our university newspaper chronicle the memories made here. Fittingly, we live on a street called Corroboree. It’s cold in Canberra. You hang your washing with frozen hands that need to be thawed by mugs of tea. The only room that catches fleeting sights of sun is the kitchen. It’s the busiest room in the house, small, bright, yellow, and always warm from cooking and company.
It’s a room I dread. Even on coldest days when you see your breath, I dread that room. We close the door to keep in the heat. I know my friends are in the kitchen, but I also know that entering that room exposes me to truths I am struggling to face and decisions I can’t make right now.
So, I stay in my dark, damp bedroom, finding heat in my electric blanket and knitting. Through that door are the people I want to be with the most in the place I want to be in the least. To be terrified to enter the heart of your house, is to feel like you’re not truly at home. The scents find their through the drafty house. It’s lonely on this side of the door. I’ll move closer to that door, step by step. Maybe not today, but someday, I hope. I’ll open the door and step through to the other side.” – Nathalie Johnstone
Loneliness impacts carers, too
“My next major period of loneliness was as our youngest daughter developed an eating disorder, namely anorexia nervosa. Our life, our choice was totally absorbed in caring for our youngest daughter. We naively thought our older daughter was safe and removed from our day to day battles (being at boarding school), how wrong were we! That’s another story. The stigma, lack of compassion and to a degree naivety contributed to us as a family being ostracised, mostly by the school social groups (other parents) and our daughters’ peers who did not know how to behave, talk to us or her…. Despite this we were fortunate, as we surrounded ourselves with the best possible medical professionals, this came at a significant financial cost, however they collectively became our broader family. I believe my awareness through life experience of loneliness, addiction (another story) and mental illness has enabled me to accept these experiences as a part of life. I openly talk about each experience and will continue to do so as we all need to be heard and of equal importance be listen to others.” –Gavin Holman
Advice to overcome loneliness while living with an eating disorder
Talking helps
It can often be difficult to open up about eating disorders or body image concerns, with fear, shame and guilt often holding people back. But an important part of recovery can be learning how to turn to people for support and utilise other coping strategies instead of turning to your eating disorder.
“Talking about your pain and fears can be a powerful antidote to isolation. It’s like flipping the script and rewriting the story about yourself. Though it might seem scary to open up and be your genuine, complex self, doing so is like breaking free from that confining room and stepping into a brighter, more hopeful space. Embracing this vulnerability can be a game-changer, offering a refreshing cure for the illness of isolation”. – Asteria Grace
If you feel like you don’t have anyone to turn to, you can turn to us. Our expert counsellors are available 7 days a week, 8am-midnight (AEST/AEDT) to provide confidential and free counselling, advice and information. There’s no requirement to act on the advice we give you, and even if you just need someone to listen, we’re here for that too.
Call 1800 ED HPOE (1800 33 4673), chat online or email support@butterfly.org.au
Find out more about how we help
Lean on your support networks
“Overcoming loneliness from an eating disorder begins with recognizing that connection and love is a powerful healer. Reaching out to those who love you even when it feels daunting—whether it’s to family, a friend, a support group. Understand that you are not alone in your struggle; even if they cannot fully understand, they can listen and create a safe space of compassion and gentleness to hold you when things are hard. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, for in those moments of openness, true connection is forged. Engage in activities that bring you joy and surround yourself with people who uplift and support you. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. As you build these connections, you’ll find that the weight of loneliness begins to lift, replaced by the warmth of understanding and the strength of love. Embrace this journey with patience and compassion for yourself, knowing that every step forward is a triumph”. – Jennifer Hamer
“While my eating disorder tried to pull me away from everything that mattered to me, it was connection to others that helped me come back. The people I reached out to and the ones that reached out to me helped me make my life big and full and meaningful again, and I’m so grateful.” Jane Murphy
Connect with community
“Embracing my vulnerability and speaking my truth with others directly challenged my old belief of never being enough, pushing me to create a new narrative. This process proved to be a courageous first step towards healing and growth. Although it was tough, it was incredibly empowering.
“The shame and stigma around my truth kept me silent and alone, so having a safe space was crucial in my recovery, giving me the invaluable gifts of connection and hope.
Moving from the crushingly lonely moments on my living room floor to the lively atmosphere of a music studio surrounded by others was a big change. Joining a band allowed me to connect with people who shared a passion for music, fostering a sense of community, purpose, and inspiration for my journey towards recovery.” – Reece Georgas
Join a support group
Support groups can foster hope and motivation, reduce stigma and isolation, improve self-esteem and coping skills and provide a safe space for individuals to connect with others and share their experience of an eating disorder.[4]
“At the start of my recovery, I didn’t really know anyone with an eating disorder and was unaware just how common they are. I chose to mostly shield myself from interacting with others in recovery from eating disorders, to keep me on track. However, this came with a sense of isolation as I was essentially doing it on my own. Joining a safe, trusted and recovery-focused online forum was the main way I reduced any loneliness I felt in recovery. Reading other people’s experiences was such a relief to realise I wasn’t alone and I was glad I found a community of people who understood what it was like to be in recovery.” -Sophie Smith
Butterfly offers a number of weekly support groups for individuals experiencing eating disorders looking for extra support and motivation for their recovery, as well as groups for carers or people supporting a loved one, friend or colleague with an eating disorder.
These groups are facilitated by expert counsellors or our incredible trained peer workers who have recovered from their own eating disorders themselves.
Get support now
- Butterfly’s National Helpline provides confidential and free counselling, support and information 7 days a week (8am-midnight AEST/AEDT) for anyone in Australia who is concerned about eating disorders or body image concerns. Call 1800 ED HOPE (1800 33 4673), chat online or email support@butterfly.org.au
- Find an eating disorder healthcare professional – search our Referral Database for healthcare professionals that specialise in eating disorders.
- In a crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or 000 in an emergency.
References
[1] Ending Loneliness Together Australia https://lonelinessawarenessweek.com.au/
[2] Harney, M. et al. Negative affective experiences in relation to stages of eating disorder recovery. Eat Behav. 2014. 15(1). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3894585/
[3] Stewart W. The role of perceived loneliness and isolation in the relapse from recovery in patients with anorexia and bulimia nervosa. Clinical Social Work Journal. 2004;32:185–196.
[4] Waller, A., Paganini, C., Andrews, K. and Hutton, V. (2021), “The experience of adults recovering from an eating disorder in professionally-led support groups”, Qualitative Research Journal, Vol. 21 No. 2, pp. 217-229. https://doi.org/10.1108/QRJ-07-2020-0088
