Navigating Body Image and Pregnancy Loss

Content warning: This blog discusses miscarriage and grief.

In this blog post, Jane shares her journey navigating pregnancy, eating disorders, and the loss of her child.

I always knew I wanted to have children, but I didn’t know that choice would have such profound impacts on my relationship with my body.  

Entering any space related to pregnancy, you will find yourself receiving a lot of messages from all kinds of sources about how to do fertility, pregnancy and post-natal life ‘the right way’. This ranges from the best medical advice which might save your baby’s life, through to highly dubious sales claims from the worst parts of a multi-billion-dollar industry.  

The outcome of this is a barrage of messaging telling you that you are doing something – or lots of things – wrong. 

Lose weight. Make sure you maintain a stable weight. You won’t be able to get pregnant. It’s going to be easy. More medication. You should stop taking your medication. Your chronic illnesses will get worse. You’ll probably go into remission. Stop eating certain foods. You need to take vitamins. Only these specific vitamins. You’re testing way too high on those vitamins. Exercise is essential. You mustn’t exercise too vigorously. Your cycle is too long. You’re going to get gestational diabetes. You’re young and healthy. It’s totally normal. You’ve got this. Why are you stressed? Just relax. Don’t stress. You’ll never get pregnant if you’re stressed. 

When I look back, I am disappointed by how much of this treats people as if they are not full, complex humans – like you are a vessel that a baby comes from.  

I am also disappointed by how many people, from family and friends through to medical professionals, didn’t take my long-term mental health struggles into account, especially when talking about my body. We know that 7.5% of people will struggle with eating disorders during pregnancy and 15% will experience anxiety and depression, and these can have serious consequences. 

As someone with a long-term history of eating disorders and self-image issues, at the time all this confirmed the biggest fear I had about myself: there is something wrong with me. 

This turned into an intense anxiety when we became part of the 1 in 6 Australian couples who don’t get pregnant within 12 months. Like many struggling with fertility, my period arriving became the trigger for a huge emotional spiral. Eventually, I found myself regularly close to panic attack about all the things I was worried I needed to change about myself, my body, and my weight. 

This made us a part of the up to 3 in 5 couples who experience heightened distress or mental health concerns related to infertility.  

Even becoming pregnant didn’t reduce my stress. All the fears and worries I had picked up were intensified by the love and protectiveness I felt for my tiny baby, and by my pregnancy symptoms. I wanted so badly to look after the dot growing inside me but struggled with fatigue, nausea, and intense food aversions.  

Every night I would lie in bed and tell myself I was going to do everything I could to keep my baby safe. 

The truth is that the reason these messages are so impactful is precisely because everyone wants to do the best by their children. A pregnancy or a child is a big life decision and commitment, and people want to do the best they can. 

Unfortunately, there are also things outside our control. Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss before 20 weeks, including this one. Our loss was drawn out and extremely traumatic, leaving both me and my partner with grief that will never leave us. 

Wrapped up in the devastation of losing Dottie (named so because we always referred to it as ‘the dot’) was my fear that there was something wrong with me, or I did something wrong. I spent a long time worrying that the amount of exercise I did, or the food I ate, the size and shape of my body, or that maybe a particular day when I missed a vitamin caused the loss of my baby. 

Deep down, I still feel like I am somehow to blame. 

In truth, so much of the outcomes of infertility, pregnancy, and post-natal life are related to things we can’t easily control – like genetics, access to quality healthcare, socio-economic status, and random chance. And even if you could somehow identify one exact cause to blame for the loss of a wanted baby, you would still deserve tenderness, wellbeing, and support. 

In loving memory of Dottie. 

Get support

• If you’re struggling, remember that you can reach out to PANDA on 1300 726 306 Mon-Sat or the Butterfly National Helpline on 1800 ED HOPE (1800 33 4673) or chat online or email, 7 days a week, 8am-midnight (AEDT).
• RedNose Australia offers free counselling and support for anyone affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, baby or child death. Call 1300 308 307.
• Pink Elephants provides resources, information and peer-support for anyone impacted by early pregnancy loss.