Being trapped in a world of constant obsession I had forgotten what it was to truly live
I remember the day I chose life, which in my eyes is one of my biggest accomplishments. Being trapped in a world of constant obsession I had forgotten what it was to truly live, to truly love. I had this desire to find happiness but was so caught up in this whirlwind of hate and anger. Being the little girl who was always quiet around new faces and making it her goal to please other people and fit in was the only thing I knew.
It started during the transition from primary school to high school, being labelled as the “biggest” of my group in primary school didn’t exactly help and I remember wanting to change that. It innocently started with a diet and then spiraled into a full blown obsession that circled my mind constantly.
At home I was being told I was looking thinner and needed to start eating more but then when I went out to parties and saw friends at school, people started complementing me on how good I looked and I had friends tell me at parties that I had such a good body. Never being told anything positive about my appearance when I was younger, I felt immediately overwhelmed that people where complementing me. Having these two conflicting comments come in, I started getting more and more confused. There were my parents telling me that I needed to gain more weight and there were my friends telling me how great I looked.
It got to the point where I started taking it too far and just blocked everyone I cared about out of my life. I was so fixated on my external appearance that I didn’t recognise all the internal attributes I had to offer the world. It wasn’t until lying in a hospital bed realising how far I had taken it that I wondered how I let it get this far. I would always tell myself I would start eating again but it get getting harder and harder each day. It’s like an addiction, once you’re accustomed to it it’s so hard to get out of. It was that last day in hospital that I looked in the mirror and I clearly remember telling myself that I was going to make the most of my life because I had already lost a chunk of my life to this illness and no longer wanted to be controlled by it. Recovery wasn’t an easy journey but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Once I stopped caring about what other people would think of me and started focusing on myself and what I needed in order to be healthy and content with myself was the day that I started living life to its fullest.
My message to anyone out there struggling is: Yes there will be days where you feel like giving up but it’s in those times that you need to find the strength to fight because you are so worthy of love and attention and happiness. You may not believe so at this moment but I promise you that once you take that first step to seeking help whole heartedly for yourself and not to please your parents and loved ones but just for yourself. That will be the day that you will feel free from this illness that has taken you away from all the missed opportunities that you deserved. I want you to know that recovery isn’t going to be easy but you can do it because you have been through so much already. You can do anything, and this step is one that you won’t regret.