Choosing recovery everyday
Deep down I knew I was sick, but I couldn’t stop. There was always another episode of purging, smaller portion of food or another lie. But the biggest lie of all “I’m not hungry”
I hated what I saw in the mirror. There was always a flaw to find. “Fat”, “ugly” , imperfection” were the words I constantly had in my head each day when I examined my body for hours in the mirror. I was constantly told “you are beautiful, don’t abuse your body”. But I felt surrounded by a beauty that I could never reflect. I saw the other girls at school as perfect, as success stories, but I felt like a failure. I would tell myself that once I got to a certain weight, everything would be okay, but once I reached it, I didn’t feel any better, so I simply lowered my goal. I strived for empty. I needed my stomach to mimic how I felt.
I had weekly therapy and constant doctor appointments. I was told not to check my weight throughout my recovery, but I always did as I couldn’t control my thoughts. When I was told my heart could stop at any time due to purging everyday something clicked in my head and I knew I had a long journey ahead of me. I had to retrain my body and my mind, and it is still something I live with daily.
After struggling with an eating disorder, I started learning to accept my body. The voices in my head have gotten weaker as I have gotten stronger. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way, little by little, each and every day there is hope.