For too long now, my whole world has been monopolised by my eating disorder
For too long now, my whole world has been monopolised by my eating disorder. Only this year, have I regained the ability to hold a conversation with another person for more than 20 minutes. Most of the time, I am able to walk into a supermarket without being overwhelmed with anxiety, my mind racing with a thousand thoughts a second about which food I’m ‘allowed’ to buy and what I should avoid. I am still yet to return to work, as I find it too difficult to cognitively function as a maths teacher, whilst simultaneously follow my meal plans and be a respectful and appropriate role model for my students.
After losing so many friendships to this illness I now work on rebuilding those that are left behind. I find that it was the support of my close friends, family and partner that truly saved my life from the depths of this disease. In the times where i could see no benefits in the path of recovery, I chose to eat that sandwich, to have that second weet-bix, to not exercise, just to ease the pain of those who loved me.
Throughout this ordeal I found great help in my treatment team. My clinical team, along with my superhero co-stars, battled our demons. We confronted the rules our disorders had laid out; exercise and eat ‘healthy’. We tore apart the intentions of businesses such as weight loss programs and gyms, of which I now view to be manipulative and somewhat irresponsible.
My aim now is to really experience life, as the healthy person I deserve to be. I share my story so as to change the stigma surrounding mental illness and eating disorders. In no way was this my decision, I did not choose to lose those years of my life, I did not choose to look that way, I do not choose to feel this way. My hope is that I can learn from my experiences and impart insight and knowledge onto today’s society. No-one should have to suffer through this illness, but there is help out there. Clinics, hospitals and organisations who listened to me when I felt no-one else could.
I’ve lost too much time to ED.
