Free and alive in my wholeness
I am a 35 year old woman. I have a partner and 2 beautiful children aged 3 and 10 months. Over the years I have worked as Youth Worker and High School Teacher and more recently a Yoga and Mindfulness Meditation Teacher. Turning 30 was really hard for me. I felt like I had woken to the reality of my eating disorder. I had been bulimic since I was 15. I had been silently suffering for half my life and it really hit me. I didn’t want to suffer anymore and wanted to have my own family.
My disorder started in high school and over the years I kept it to myself. Looking back I don’t know how I managed to do this. It was exhausting. Some family members found out and tried to help with the most loving intention but no one ever knew the depth or duration of my suffering. For most part I felt very alone, shameful and desperate. Other times I felt like I was getting better and “well” again but it wasn’t until I committed to recovering from the inside out that real change started taking place.
Over the years I saw several doctors, psychologists and was an out-patient at our local hospital in their eating disorder unit. I started doing a lot of self-help too. I read many books about self-love/awareness/discovery, depression, anxiety and recovery. I did more study and courses specifically related and practiced yoga and mindfulness. I started learning about whole food. I learnt about my nervous system and how my breath could really help support me. I started really feeling my feelings and working out healthy ways to express and not repress them. I became a passionate Yoga/Mindfulness Meditation Teacher because of how much this path helped me.
Fast-forward to the day I found out I was pregnant, I was 31 and this was the day I knew it had to stop. There couldn’t be anymore “one more time”. I was not willing for it to continue. I did feel sad it took growing another life for me to understand (to the full extent) how important mine was but I had developed a more compassionate and loving relationship with myself so this felt ok and I was so hungry for complete change.
There hasn’t been a “one more time” and even though I still experience some physical symptoms as a result of purging for so long, I am in a completely different space and can say with much relief and joy, I am no longer psychospiritually starving, I am free and alive in my wholeness.