Growing up the ‘fat kid’

Its been near two years of dealing with an undiagnosed eating disorder. Undiagnosed, because when I finally spoke to my parents, or doctor about my problem it was instantly dismissed as just having low self esteem. The constant back and forth of, “you aren’t thin enough for it to be a problem” and ” I can’t go on feeling like I am a visitor in my own body and mind” is a 24/7 battle that never seems to get better. It’s hard, wanting to get better. It’s hard to accept, it’s hard to believe, and it’s hard to even just imagine the idea of eating like a normal functioning human being I suffer a lot with purging. It feels like it will never get better, and I think a big part of me just wants to get to the point where I am forced by others to get help, such as inpatient care. Because I just can’t bring myself to do it for myself. I don’t want to die from this illness, but I also don’t want to lose all of the hard work I put in to get me to where I am, even though i know its an unhealthy obsession. Please, please, please, do not put off getting help. Do not get to the point where you can’t even picture the idea of recovering and enjoying life. This eating disorder will destroy you, and the ones who actually care for you. Please.