I hated my body

Ever since I was 10 years old, I was told that I needed to lose weight or I was too big. I would get told this a lot from my skating coach. She would tell me that I needed to look a certain way or that I was too fat to fit into a costume.

I was 10 years old, all I wanted to do was skate and have fun with my friends. That moment was the first part of my toxic cycle, that was when my relationship with food changed.

Throughout high school I never liked the way I looked, I hated my body and I was so ashamed of the person I was. My friends saw me as the quiet kid in their group that had a perfect life. But my dark thoughts were screaming at me every day. They always said, “you’re worthless”, “you’re pathetic”, “you’re so disgusting to look at”.

I hated myself and the way I looked. Things got really bad when I was in year 12. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and that’s where I developed an eating disorder. I was so clueless about other types of eating disorders because i only ever heard of anorexia and bulimia, and I thought to myself, “Well, I’m not super skinny so I don’t have an eating disorder, I’m fine, everything’s fine.” No one knew about it; it was my own deep dark secret. My friends started to notice that I was losing weight and they would say to me, “You look good, Em.” So I didn’t stop.

A year later, my dad passed away and that’s when I started completely binge eating. I was so angry at the world, I was angry with myself, I was so sad and disgusted in myself. I didn’t care anymore, I didn’t care about existing, I stopped caring about myself. I binged my way into a deep, dark depression.

It wasn’t until last year when I moved away from home and I stopped one day, and I said to myself, “Things need to change and I need to change them.” So, I got into contact with headspace and I spoke about my binge eating and starving myself. They have helped me through out my dark depression and helped me see brighter days. I don’t think so much about what I eat, and I exercise at a normal pace. I now have more good days than bad. I have moments where I have thoughts of binge eating and starvation, but I have an amazing support group by my side that are willing to help me get through anything.

I feel now I have the courage to share my story and hopefully inspire others who have been in a similar boat as me. I hated my body, I spent nearly 10 years of my life living in self loathing, hating what I saw in the mirror. I am finally in a place in my life where I am learning to love myself more and I’m waking up to more happy days.