I knew but I didn’t

My eating disorder first got really bad about 15 years ago when I had a relationship breakdown and it took just one comment really. I was a little overweight at the time and my mum commented and told me I should lose weight. Well that hurt and so I made it my goal. I lost it all and a lot more and became underweight.

After a battle I stabilised and got married but then my marriage broke down. I had started binge eating and had put on weight again before this, but once again the same thing, a comment and I lost all the weight I had gained but didn’t get so low this time. My weight settled, life moved on but I was bingeing now and then purging a little. Life moved on until last year where I started counting calories and weighing myself a lot and ended up in hospital after a period of not eating or drinking and I decided to seek help and started on a massive journey.

I did an intensive day program and I have hardly had any compensatory behaviours since. It’s an internal battle though, the eating disorder yells at me all day, telling me lovely (not) things about myself. I just found out my diagnosis – bulimia – I don’t know how I feel about that. I’m a bit everywhere about it right now as it’s really thrown me, even though I know it fits. It’s made it more real in a way and a bit scarier.

I’m not going to let it win though. One day I will be free of this, I have no doubt because I am determined to and bulimia won’t win.