I’ve learnt to love the skin I am in
I am a curvy and confident woman who loves the skin she is in. But I haven’t always felt this way.
During my teen years, I struggled with poor body image and was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I was admitted to hospital numerous times and fed through naso-gastric feeding tubes. I remember my mum was told I might never recover. As entangled as I was, I actually did recover from this dangerous illness.
My motivation to recover was sparked one night when I sat up in bed and had a moment of awareness and realisation. I remember saying to myself; ‘What on earth am I doing? Why am I putting myself through this? I’m not happy, this makes no sense’. In that moment, I decided no more deprivation, I didn’t want this life anymore. It was exhausting and I knew I wasn’t being true to who I really was. No matter how skinny I became it was never enough and I had had enough!
During my recovery I gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time and I felt extremely self-conscious, embarrassed and like I failed because I recovered into a larger body and not the body type that I believed Anorexia survivors would recover into. This led to feelings of guilt and shame and over 15 years of yoyo dieting, binging, repenting and self loathing – chasing a body that I thought would bring me happiness and make me worthy, a body that was just never going to be mine.
Since embarking on my own self love journey and finally closing the door on diet culture, I’ve learnt that recovery looks different on every body and eating disorders do NOT have a body type. I’ve learnt to be grateful my body and view it as a vessel which allows me to do so many amazing things. I’ve been able to adopt this mindset through energy healing, speaking with a psychologist, surrounding myself with positive, supportive people, filling my social media with ‘Body Positivity’ accounts, listening to mindfulness and body confidence podcasts and taking firm action every single day to remind myself that I am worthy just as I am and I do NOT need to conform to societel pressure to look a certain way.
To anyone out there struggling with any type of disordered eating or low self esteem, my message is that things always get better and comparison is the thief of joy. Choosing a life without restriction and freedom around food is honestly the greatest gift to yourself and everything will be ok.
YOUR body is your HOME and you are the only one who has to live in it so fill it with warmth, love and kindness and get comfortable in it. Don’t treat it as a prison sentence. I know during recovery seeing your body change is terrifying but it is so necessary to enable you to grow and flourish and become the healthiest, happiest version of you.
