My Quite Common Situation Not Discussed Enough!
I wanted to share my journey in the hope that it can add to the discussion & hopefully do some good in the world.
In high school, it wasn’t long before my OCD symptoms started showing, expressed in the usual ways (like hand washing, intrusive thoughts, repetitive behaviors, “contamination OCD,” “scrupulosity,” etc.).
Despite so many on my mom’s side of the family having it, it wasn’t discussed much. And back then, words like “neurodivergence,” “Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)” & “autism” were fairly new too, so I often felt defective for having these traits that made me “different” from my family & other students in school. I preferred introverted, creative pursuits, like writing, electric guitar, cooking, poetry & gaming. I got my “emotional mirroring” from my alternative rock CDs to help me not feel so alone.
Growing up without warmth in a chaotic environment, I was always drawn to girlfriends who were taller, & “took the lead”; I was that “wounded bird” craving a protector. I always felt so safe when sitting on a girlfriend’s lap or borrowing her sweater/jacket, etc. Fast forward, & my wife today is also the breadwinner. (As a ‘househusband’, it leveled up the fuzzy “protected” feelings even further, which recently learned is common for HSPs to feel comfortable in that role, as it meshes well with our sensitive needs.) With so much anxiety in the neurodivergent & ED community, no wonder so many of us value co-regulation in these ways, especially growing up with unmet needs from “abandonment wound” so common on top of it.
When it comes to ED’s, the stereotype with men is wanting to GAIN excess weight. However, many guys like me who are wired sensitive/submissive WANT to be smaller than women in the same way many women do with men. Being already small & skinny, somehow my OCD’s spotlight changed to sudden (& dangerous) weight loss. I’d feel “guilty” when eating & would constantly go into “exercise mode” to compensate. It wasn’t until I started to often feel woozy & saw how unwell I looked in a photo, that I realized my behavior wasn’t safe (no thanks to my OCD often convincing me otherwise, like a previous time that I was institutionalized for excessive weight loss from “contamination OCD”).
Thankfully, these days as a highly sensitive neurodivergent, there is so much more information. It was years before I even learned just how many creative people in history struggled with mental health issues like OCD (writers, musicians, inventors, etc.,) which is a much more empowering thought! And of course, research on ED has gained so much too since! These things are NOTHING to be ashamed of, & help is out there.
