My Story of Recovery

Hi my name is Coco, but I used to be called Courtney.
I’m a survivor of anorexia nervosa.  I was a day patient at the Butterfly foundation in 2007 when I was so deep in my disorder –  I was fighting so hard against my eating disorder thoughts and the guilt I felt for what I was putting my family through. Every day mum and I would drive an hour long drive to Chadstone to the outpatient program and  every cell within me tried to still follow the rules of my eating disorder.
My eating disorder, which I learnt during this time to name Rex, was a form of self punishment not allowing me to have or believe I was deserving of happiness.

One day I decided to wear a t shirt that had the words ‘love love love’ on it. This caused me such distress and discomfort.  I felt like I was flaunting these words, so everyone who read it would make me then believe I was worthy of being loved. That I was allowed to be loved. That I was allowed to love myself. I zoned in on these simple words on my shirt that I wanted to rip if off even if it meant I would be exposed. I didn’t want these words on my body or associated with me as I didn’t feel I deserved love in any way.

I never wore the shirt again which just shows the power of the mind and the power of my mind at this time.  I was 18 going on 19 and I was going to this program to make my parents happy.  To please them was my ultimate goal and I couldn’t eat for them so I did this. I was not fighting for myself.

Over time I learnt skills. I learnt how to separate myself from the eating disorder and I gave the eating disorder a name. Everyone else in the group called there’s ‘ED’ but me being me I wanted to be different so I called mine Rex. Even though I wasn’t all in for recovery the skills, knowledge and the experiences I learnt when I was there I still use to this day.
I still vividly remember certain psychology sessions trying to understand myself.  The staff were all incredible at helping me understand what I was going through.
I suffered with this illness for 2 decades and I was well for 6 years and those years were the best years of my life as I was empowered and me again. I recently in the past two years had a relapse which was something I never thought would happen.  I thought once you’re well you’re well and that’s it however relapses unfortunately do exist and this brought me back a few years.

I’ve been in treatment I have a wonderful psychologist and psychiatrist. After years of misdiagnosis I was seen from a different view and was told I was autistic which gave me much validation and meaning and helped me understand myself, my relationship with food and my being in the word – it was this actual weight lifted off me.
I now live in my own unit at a supported/community living run by Mind Australia where I have mental health workers on site 24/7.  I have my dog Daisy, I do art everyday, I write online and talk to people all around the world. I’m an advocate and this has pushed me even further to share my story as I want to be someone’s glimmer of hope that recovery is possible. I know when I was sick I didn’t have the internet like we do now and I wished I had someone I could relate to .
So I share my story because its a story of triumph and courage and its something to be proud of. Many years ago when I was at the butterfly foundation being my stubborn self some things did stick and I still use them to this day. I was so grateful for my experiences I had and the help offered to me. I felt heard and to feel I wasn’t going to be giving up on the butterfly foundation to me is so close to my heart and always will be.  Not in a million years did I imagine writing these words and being of the age of 37 doing life in the way that fits for me .
If I could say anything or  offer you any advice, something my psychologist told me was “why don’t you just try recovery ? If you hate it you can always go back you know how to so why not try out recovery, see how if feels and go from there”. This took me a few tries to get this down pat but once you believe you’re worthy of fighting for yourself you will believe that choosing recovery is really possible and even with relapses along the way I’ve never stopped fighting.  I plot twisted myself and did things I never thought possible. I have on my medical files ‘past history-anorexia nervosa’ and that means everything to me.

It’s taken me along time to get to where I am but I’ve found myself and I’m so proud of all of the past versions of myself that held on to that piece of information – to accept my own discomfort, to own my reasons for using the eating disorder to cope and not to hide the parts of myself I wish never existed and instead honour them as bridges between different stages in my life. I was trying to keep myself safe but I learnt to let go and not bed to anyone – to be completely free with all my emotions to give them grace and kindness. My life to me feels like it’s opening up and I’ve got this gift – that I lived.

I will continue to live and love and nurture my mind and body. This is only a fraction of my story but I want to thank the butterfly foundation for all their work, all their understanding of me, for believing in me. You have a path in my story that’s embedded forever and it runs deep within my heart .

I got better, and you were part of making that happen. My gift to you is to live my life happy and fulfilled because I deserve it. Thank you for seeing past Rex and always believing that I could recover – these words would not be without you. I tired recovery, and I won.
Thankyou for reading this.
Coco.