Perfect Storm

I’ve heard it described by my recovery therapist that developing an ED is like being stuck in a ‘perfect storm’. Like the weather, many chaotic components come together, leaving you with a need for release from the chaos. Your brain will tell you that release is control. 

My storm began at 12. I began controlling my calories as a way of making my life feel a little more ‘orderly’. When my home life was unstable, I would restrict more. When school was hard, I exercised more and what told me this was necessary in the first place, was the unfounded belief that I was less-than. 

Amid all the control and chaos, began this dangerous cycle of starvation and exercise, to compensate for these difficult feelings. Round and around I went, stuck in this storm that churned me out at 21, with less of the chaos, but all of the unhealthy habits.  

At this point, I had managed to keep my Anorexia well-disguised for the most part. My family had bigger issues to deal with and a stereotypically British ‘stiff upper lip’. My friends were amazingly supportive, but I hadn’t given them the opportunity to support me. I was halfway through my university studies with lots of friends and a life that should have been ‘perfect’. But my ED that had objectively helped me feel ok for so long, was the only thing stopping it from being just that. Even with so many resources available to help online, the idea of divorcing myself from Anorexia was scarier than living with it forever. 

This remained true until one of those commonly experienced bouts of depression that come along with an ED led me to see things with less emotion and more objectivity. I started seeing myself through other people’s eyes and not in the comparative way I had always done before. I saw the concern and the difficulty people had even broaching the subject for fear of upsetting me and potentially making it worse. I saw people I had loved since childhood step back from our friendships because it was all too uncomfortable. This was the big realisation for me because from 12 years old onwards, the only comfort I had from the chaos besides my Anorexia, was my friends, and now I was starting to lose them. 

So I figured ‘what more do I have to lose?’ and I phoned my GP that day, and was promptly set up with a therapist, nutritionist and a recovery program. To be clear, none of this felt like a ‘big deal’ at the time because, looking back, I still believed I could rely on my ED whenever I wanted. There was never a ‘penny drop moment’. Just a series of decisions to grow and to TRY – that ended up saving my life. 

Looking back now at 25, I can safely say that even though recovery was the hardest thing I have ever done, it is also the thing that makes me feel the proudest.