I have always been a very quiet girl. And now coming into my adult life I am a very quiet woman. But there’s one thing that I feel is very important to share. I have lived with Anorexia for most of my life. Anorexia became a part of me, it captured me and still does to this day. But now I am stronger. I have learnt to fight back.
Three years ago I made the long journey from my home town in Liverpool (England) to this beautiful land called Australia.
But it’s beauty couldn’t take away from the fact that I didn’t quite fit. In fact I never felt like I have fit in anywhere. However I was excited for this new adventure.
One year in 2018, I felt very exhausted, anxious and that’s when the depression took hold for probably the 10th time in my life now. As the months went on my health continued to deteriorate. Luckily I was met with some very experienced doctors who managed to give me that long anticipated diagnosis I had been waiting for, for the majority of my life. I had always been sick but no one could ever quite put there finger on it.
I entered the room. My doctor sat me down. She looked at me and told me, Chloe you have Anorexia Nervosa. I was puzzled and I replied startled, Anorexia Nervosa? Isn’t that an eating disorder. She continued with asking me whether I understood the diagnosis and whether I accepted it. I couldn’t quite accept something I didn’t know a lot about. I had been this way since I can remember. I had dealt with depression, anxiety and perfectionism my whole life.
As I researched I realised that she was right. I, in fact had Anorexia. And let me tell you it’s been hard. There’s been times when I have wanted to give up, I have wanted to give in to the evil voice that hisses “don’t eat”. Or “keep running”. The more I listened to it the more unwell I became. Until I was staring in the mirror at a distorted version of myself. Sometimes the Anorexia lets go, but only for a split second. And when it does I view the monster for what it is. I sit there and I sob at the damage it has done to my once beautiful hair or the broken relationships and friendships it has destroyed.
Anyway I decided to embark on a path to recovery and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s been one of the most challenging but yet rewarding experiences of my life. I’ve learnt so much about myself, about self love, about people around me, about what I do and don’t deserve. And most importantly about food and what a healthy relationship looks like. Because that’s been my hardest relationship of all, and the most difficult to break free from. It feels like I’m trapped in a cage with only minimal food sources available. And if I try to break free to get more food sources I am left fighting for my life.