The Hidden Truth I’ve Been Too Afraid to Talk About

For most of my life, I’ve been very insecure about the way I look. Purging and bingeing is something I turned to as a coping mechanism when I was a teenager. I kept this a secret from my friends and family because I was afraid that they wouldn’t understand.

As a child, I was never heavy. But, still to this day, my brain tells me that I’m not attractive enough to please other people. There have been several periods of my life where I have stopped eating completely due to stress.

At age 14, I tried to befriend the popular kids in high school and they were horrible to me. I turned to starvation to help me deal with the stress and anxiety I faced. I ended up becoming so thin that none of my clothes fit me. Instead of being too tight, my clothes were baggy. I thought that these individuals would accept me if I lost weight. But, that was not the case. They were still callous and vindictive towards me.

At age 23, my purging has become a serious concern. Growing up with body insecurities has destroyed not only my confidence but also my self-worth. I no longer see my own reflection staring back at me when I look in the mirror. I see someone who has serious issues with how she looks and a woman who wants to change but does not know how.

I recently learned that I’m suffering from Bulimia Nervosa after speaking to a counsellor who specializes in eating disorders. Hearing this was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to endure. Yet, my recent diagnosis has helped motivate me to seek treatment. As someone who also lives with autism, bulimia is another obstacle, which I must face simultaneously. However, somehow I’m hopeful that there will be a day where I’m comfortable in my own skin and able to resort back to my natural eating habits.

I actually first suspected I had bulimia back in the summer of 2017. Yet, did not want to jump to a conclusion before talking to a medical professional. Accepting that I’m suffering from bulimia is going to be a struggle for me. But, I know I can find better coping mechanisms, which are not bingeing or purging.

Through telling my story about my ongoing struggle with bulimia, I would like to inspire other women, as well as men to share their experiences. It’s better to spill the truth than to let it bottle up inside of you. Bravery and strength are still instilled in me. I’m not going to let bulimia control my life anymore. If I continue to have a positive attitude, it will greatly benefit me in my recovery. Bulimia doesn’t control me. I’m the only one in charge of my actions. I choose to tackle these obstacles and come to terms with my disordered eating.