Was it all a dream?

I am 55 years old now. I can remember the period before I had body dysmorphia and the period after. I can also remember with clarity the day and moment It became one of my core beliefs.

I was sitting in the bath ruminating on how thin my wrists were. Moving my hands in a circular motion listening to the crack of my wrist joint and expecting that this would improve and strengthen them. This particular day though both cognitively and emotionally I kept going down the rabbit hole. Descending into a reality that had the feeling of a bad dream. A reality from which there was no waking up to escape from.

I catastrophised present and future. I understood I would never love or never be loved. I would see my friends move on with there lives. Though I would be always stuck and dependent on my parents for ever.

These thoughts and feelings coalesced and formed a deep seated belief and buried itself in my mind. On top of this dark reality I was clear on one urgent matter. I would never disclose this I would hide this very personal problem from everyone. As to me it was a disability that could not be explained and must not be discovered.

So began my life living with body dysmorphia.

At age 50 after all sorts of twists and turns I was diagnosed with ADHD. This was after my 17 year old daughter was diagnosed. The condition (body dysmorphia) I lived with nearly all my life was explained to be a secondary disorder. The ADHD mind was the primary driver. The development into crippling Body Dysmorphia arose from a dysfunctional home life.

My mother also has a similar neurotic mind set, she suffered through a lot of abuse in her relationship with my father. I had a realisation recently that the emotional mindset my mother’s had existed in during my infancy I adopted later in my teens and adulthood. Through the absolute focus on my body dysmorphia. A mindset conditioned in a state of panic; fear and the belief that you are all alone.

I have stabilised in the last few years. I have connected all the dots. I have emerged from this with a good part of my life over. I cannot look back otherwise I may be dragged under. I have today to live. Tomorrow I will build on today.

In the present without all the toxic thoughts I can move forward. Never give up…xx. 🙂