You deserve to feel safe in your own body

The things we crave most in this world are safety and comfort. Having your physical appearance critiqued and ridiculed leads down a treacherous path of mental and physical turmoil that convinces your body it’s unsafe.

That was me for many years.

Feeling safe in one’s own skin is a simple concept to understand when you’re in recovery, but it is impossible if you are trapped in a cycle of binge eating. For years it was obsessive calorie counting, constant weight monitoring, dangerous exercising, restrictions to every aspect of my life and an inner voice so harsh I still can’t believe I conjured such vile remarks about myself. I avoided my reflection to stop the self-torment.

Since childhood I was told I was too big and put on too much weight. All the names and brutal remarks you can imagine, and that was just from family. School was worse. I am tall with a naturally solid frame. Throughout high school and every job I had as an adult, someone has remarked a variant of the same sentiment; “you could look so much better if you just put some effort into it.” It deflated me every time.

I didn’t realise it, but binge eating was my solution for many years. It started as a retreat from the external pressures of life and became a coping mechanism. It then progressed to eating extreme amounts of food in a very short amount of time, causing physical pain and turning food into a form of self-harm. I was also told that eating disorders are a women’s only problem.

I was dismissed and emasculated. That unsafe feeling persisted.

Then I lost weight. A lot of weight. Looking back, I kept my body in a dangerous state of discomfort for so long it’s hard to remember the details. I never felt comfortable. I was smaller, but I wasn’t happier. The same binge eating responses came back, the weight came back, and thus, the vicious cycle started all over again.

I never got to the root of the problem. I never once listened to my body.

Then, I finally got the help I needed. I was referred to a nutritional therapist. I didn’t even know this was a therapy that existed. Having grown up in the culture of ‘men shouldn’t share problems, ‘ I didn’t know about many avenues of support.

Working together and feeling empowered to understand the root cause of these issues opened my world in so many positive ways. It’s still hard to believe I feel this good all the time. There are no longer restrictions in my life. I learned to listen to the natural intuitions of my body for the first time. I created a safe environment within my body. It no longer fears excessive restriction, arbitrary rules or that horrible inner voice. I convinced my body to feel safe. I want everyone to know that they can achieve this wonderful feeling and that help exists.
You deserve to feel safe too.