I just didn’t think it was a real problem
I have always loved food and never considered starving myself for weight loss. I had tried fasting and low calorie diets but I never was not eating.
It was due to these attempts and low calorie stints that I would then initiate an all out war on foods, especially things like pastries and icecream.
I competed in a fitness competition and I found around the time I competed and post show was a time of high emotional encounters, due to feelings of unworthiness of a failed relationship no matter how happy or down I was, the food was just not doing anything to satisfy my ‘hunger’, because I wasn’t physically hungry I was emotionally hungry for love.
Once a couple of days would pass with ‘good’ exercise and eating, I always felt so full and bloated I just wanted it to be cleared from my stomach. So one day I thought I would go and get some laxatives. This was the beginning of my stint with binge eating plus laxative abuse, which left my gut health and mental health in absolute meltdown. My hormones were shot, I had testosterone levels of a teenage boy which made me angry all the time, I pushed away anyone who tried to come close to me including my family and closest friends and I became so good at painting on a smile every day and doing what needed to be done that even I was convinced I was over it. Until I got home and either cried myself to sleep screaming why me? Or would stop off at the supermarket and buy the confectionery aisle and eat until I couldn’t move and usually wake up the next morning and pop some laxatives.
I lost count on the amount of times I thought of ‘the easy way out’, but for some reason I was strong enough to always push through the pain.
In society, it seems as though unless we are on our death bed or have hit some tragedy beyond words, we are not worthy of expressing our hardships or problems freely, without being judged or considered selfish. No matter how big or small the issue may be, if it is causing you to doubt your life and jeopardise your body for the sake of feeling better or trying to find an out, you have EVERY right to reach out for support in any way that suits you.
Although binge eating disorder hasn’t been as commonly known as other disorders, I know I find satisfaction in being the one to step up and bring it into the spotlight and to see people come through stronger from these sufferings is more than inspiring in many ways. Together we can all shine the light on those still in the dark to come and join us.
Don’t feel like you have to do this alone because I can guarantee you, are definitely NOT alone.
Love and healing <3 Gemma