It’s Okay to Struggle Throughout Recovery
Often times, healing your body and mind through food can feel isolating, to say the least. One day you’re feeling strong, able to challenge yourself and ready to pursue a ‘normal’ life as you once did. The next day, your eating disorder takes over, sometimes unknowingly, and leaves you feeling helpless once again. Stuck in the revolving door of recovery.
I’m here to validate that there is no shame in struggling throughout recovery. Your eating disorder will make you feel guilty for seeking help, or frustrated when you stick to a meal plan. I’m here to confirm that recovery will always have its hopeful ups and its devastating downs.
Some days I’m able to identify a certain trigger, other days I’m left wondering why my eating disorder had chosen a particular meal to be extra difficult. I had to learn that the hardships I was enduring were not my fault, not my families or any external source, but rather the eating disorders fault. Once you can identify that your eating disorder is not your true self, but actually a part of you that your body and mind doesn’t want, real recovery begins.
I’ve spent 3 years in recovery and am still pursuing my journey everyday. I want to share my story so that you who is reading this can understand that is no such thing as a quick, effortless recovery. Literally no such thing. When you have hard days, meals or weeks, just know that the disordered part of you is getting smaller. Each time you decide to challenge eating disorder, just know that it is all for the bigger picture.
In saying this, I also understand that letting go of an eating disorder is scary. It’s okay to admit this as well. Some days, I still struggle to envision my day to day life without disordered thoughts or behaviours, after all it make us feel safe. But this is not a life. My experience has solidified this. Your eating disorder traps you, yet prompts you feel ‘comfortable’ or ‘guilt-free’. We are worth so much more than living a life appointment to appointment, or hours wasted planning out our meals.
I would like to use my experience to encourage you and anyone who is in the process of healing to keep going. You will struggle, but you need to get back up and try again. Re focus each meal, hour or day, take a deep breath and remember that you are doing this for a life of freedom.
Lastly, I would like to finish off by adding that you are reading this for a reason, you have already taken some of the hardest steps in recovery and that is the desire to seek help. You should feel so proud of yourself for this, and you are capable of beating your eating disorder.